I am understanding more and more about myself but it unfortunately is not helping me calm down. It is causing more chaos in my brain in some ways which is hindering me.
I need to call my doctor, i need to retart therapy and get new meds… but i honestly and whole heartidly do NOT want to. I am exhausted of trying to figure myself out.
I am self disagnosed Autistic/adhd and… any hope that i will be clinically diagnosed is SLIM. Money is a problem and I have debt comming out of my ears (Thank you useless degrees).
It explains so much , the autism… i have started accomodating me and i have found a SIGNIFICANT decrease in my self harm tendencies. Yes, i still desire it and sometimes the urges are strong BUT… in certain situations where it would be a defiite issue, stimming, destimulatig techniques, etc has helped where nothing else has.
It explains why i have trouble knowing who I am and what i am supposed to feel. I don’t know how to act unless i know the rules or paramaters. I always thought that was normal or just my anxiety. It turns out autism can explain that. Behaviors as a kid, experiences, it makes SO much sense. But i was the kid wwho would talk to anyone and everyone, i was always following the rules, goody goody. I once has a freak out and hid under a table because someone wanted to straighten my hair and i was told that if i straighten my hair it would fall out. Despite knowing these people straightened their hair, i followed the rules and literally lost my mind. I am so tired. I was also a person who (still does actually…) FREAKED out and would literally vomit if i didn’t know exactly what was going to happen. at the age of 6 at the doctor i had high bp and would throw up I had to know what what going to happen. Stil happens to this day. I also struggle with being able to see myself as anything other than what i am or have been. IE: I could not see myself as a college student or graduate until i was in it . I can’t see myself as a wife or mother, unless i am it. I cannot see myself as anything i do not know or understand. Another thing i thought was super common but when i mention it to people they give me the look of “Are you crazy? are you kidding?”
As i handle some things, the other things are getting worse. My anxiety is so bad and nothing i try is helping. exposure therapy, medication, journaling, cbt, breathing techniques, nothing. I need to go back to therapy and get on benzo’s but that means going through intake and possibly having to go into the office again… which means therapy in person which i cannot do. I will literally die. I just want it to stop. I just want to be a normal person. Put all of my issues in a basket and put them down, even for a day. No anxiety, no depression, no mood swings, no fear, no wondering, no internal monologue. Just… one day of peace.
I know that in’t possible but i also know that therapy and medication will help.
I a also sruggling not helping and fixing. People I love are hurting and there is literally nothing i can do. They won’t get help, they won’t talk to anyone, they just struggle and suffer and i am terrified of losing them. Whether that be to leaving or to leaving this world i am petrified. Help is ot there… it is! I just wish they would take it or feel like are deserving or need it. I am just… I want them happy and safe.
Amber St Hilaire 